Sound advice. Have you ever taken a look in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes tonight. I always say the eyes say everything. You can tell if someone is lying by their eyes, how they really feel. It’s all in the eyes. Staring into the mirror it was like seeing someone I knew a few years ago. Someone I knew pretty well but had forgotten about as life had continued passing by. It’s a surreal feeling, seeing yourself but having an mostly unfamiliar feeling associated with it. I know I’m not the person I once was. Am I better? In some ways I believe I am, in other ways I have fallen short, in some of the more important ways. I am religious, I believe in a future life, a time when I will meet God. It’s always been important to me, its something I know inside. I’ve heard people say to just throw it away, free yourself from guilt and do what you want. I’d never be happy that way, sure its crossed my mind plenty of times. It sounds so easy, tossing my cares aside and running whatever way the wind seems to blow. It would never work for me, what I believe is instilled in me, its something I can’t simply just ‘stop believing’. What’s more is its never been a hindrance to me. Yeah I have felt the guilt that follows a mistake however its never caused me to make something worse. It always pushes me to improve. The only problem is when I let it get me down, if you let it depress you it can slowly start to crush you. If I lose sight of what is the true purpose of this life, which I believe is to improve, then anything I do, means nothing. I guess what I am really saying is that I ought to take a good long look in the mirror more often. Otherwise I start to forget who I am. Its a sorrowing feeling to look at yourself and not see someone you know well. I found looking into my own eyes that I justify the way I live my life too much, I don’t even believe the crap I’m saying at this point. We are all hypocrites a little bit. It’s just fact. The best we can do is to stare ourselves in the eye, find out who we are, and improve.
I went with some people tonight to a place I wasn’t sure I would ever end up. It was interesting, sometimes you just see things that make you think really hard about the life you are choosing to live now. Tonight was one of those nights where I really feel the need to re-evaluate what I am doing with my life. Is the path I’m on the one that should really be followed? Should I follow the path of another? I guess it comes down to what really matters as far as long term happiness. Really I know I am going down the road that God has chosen, sometimes I have a hard time seeing where its going. Many cases I’m distracted by others who take different paths that look easier, makes me wonder if there is a path of less resistance. I don’t know what I want to be, should I try and be who I was or should I try and recreate myself? For now, idling is probably the best option, stuck halfway between nowhere and nothing.
Time really is money. In a more literal way than I think I’ve ever understood. We can even spend time on money. Everything we do, every moment of every day is a decision of how we spend our time. I often find myself spending it watching TV and playing Left 4 Dead 2. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I find that these things are great stress relievers for me. My TV shows, aka the shows that I choose to watch bring me a lot of happiness and help me to have a more light-hearted attitude. Nothing this year or last can compare to the comedy of the show Community. So far I have yet to see a show with a storyline as riveting as that of Supernatural. I love shows, I’m very particular when it comes to that. I either will watch a show and follow it intensely or not at all. Sure I’ll sit through an episode of some crap like ‘So You Think You Can Dance’, but it will be a cold day in hell before I ever choose to watch every episode or follow it in any way. The shows that I follow I really like, I have seen most of the episodes of every show I follow more than once. There is just something awesome about the imagination of The 4400, the little things I missed the first watch through an episode of Arrested Development. However, I find myself getting to the point where I am wasting my time. Spending far too long playing with friends I’ve never really met on Left 4 Dead 2. Learning guitar better, getting into school, looking for a second job, finding another place to move to and a roommate. These are things that I should be spending time on. I should just do it, but I probably wont.
My name is Neil Today, I’m just a dude.
Today while driving home after watching 3 hours of TV with a friend, I began to contemplate my life. I’d give you an introduction to myself but soon you wont need one. I’m a comedy fan, and a TV fan at that. Over the past few years it has grown more difficult to dedicate over 2 hours to one movie. Even hour long shows begin to chip away at me. There is something beautiful about knowing that in 30 minutes, I will have sufficiently laughed and a show will be over. I’m all about efficiency.
In an effort to avoid going off topic too much and saying tons about my apparently interesting self, I’d like to say what I originally intended. Its 11 at night, pitch black outside and I’m cruising on the freeway and a steady 70mph. I don’t ‘zone out’ per-say like I used to when I was a kid, but I had almost one of those out of body experiences. Even though I knew that I was moving on the freeway, it felt almost like I was still and everything was moving past me. Reminded me of how time never stops, even when you’re standing still. I don’t know why I came to this place, its been 8 months already and it still feels unfamiliar. Visiting, that’s the best word to describe it. It feels like I’m moving in no particular direction. I don’t even know why I came here really, I guess having no where else to go had a lot to do with it. Ever feel like you’re not you? I feel that way the past few months. Like I remember who I am, but I’m not that person. What I remember of myself seems almost like someone I met in a dream. The memories I have are of me, I am in them all, however I see myself in them as if I was watching, as if it wasn’t really me there. I was taking a shower a bit ago and felt more like I was just controlling some big meat suit. I felt disconnected from me I guess, from my body at least. It’s kind of crazy how we can never really see ourselves. We see our image in a mirror sure, but its just a flat reflection. We never really get to see what we look like. We never see who we are to an outsider. The best we get is seeing most of our front side, our limbs and depending on how far you can turn your neck, from the lower back down. The view is still so close its hard to put into perspective. Lets be honest, 99 percent of the people out there are never going to see us from as close as we see ourselves. I hear those wax sculptures of celebs are amazingly accurate, also that the people who they are crafted after have a hard time believing that its them. Really what’s in a body? The face is what really matters, its how we recognize each other. Faces are all incredibly unique, and we can’t even physically see our own face. Weird huh.